If I could change one thing right now, it would be… everything. I’m uneasy in my own skin, nothing is quite right, and I have an urge to punch every person I encounter squarely in the neck. It is raw and cold outside and heavy wet snow is falling from the sky, adding another layer of colorlessness to the bleak day. I am irritated by my irritability. The same problems and stresses that were manageable and routine yesterday feel insurmountable and catastrophic today. In my mind, I know how to cure this shit. I never believe in my heart that the cure will work, no matter how many times I prove to myself otherwise. But, I am an intellectual, logic-driven person, and my mind always wins. So, I half-heartedly decide to put the cure in motion.
Putting on my running clothes is step one. Just donning the uniform of the active, fit, and healthy MILF helps improve my attitude. I’m still feeling reluctant and punchy, but my sporty get-up helps take the edge off. I set off to outrun my demons.
I begin to run, and within the first few minutes, I can start to see through the cloud of dysphoria. My attention is pulled into the moment, my heart is beating, I am breathing, I am working. My focus shifts from fretting to being, and the inanity of my daily worries starts to fall away. Beads of sweat run over my skin, and I feel strong; my vitality is surfacing. The core of me emerges and takes over, and where I was worried and anxious, angry and scared I am now determined and powerful. The exertion is exquisite; it reaffirms how full of life I feel now. I crash through my fears, leaving them behind. No matter what happens, this is who I really am, and I can always come back to this. This strength will see me through. I have found a way to step outside of my life and see what really matters; this power, tenacity, and authenticity are all I need.
The heavy wet snowflakes that seemed so offensive and hostile earlier in the day are now pelting my cheeks and it feels awesome. I realize that I have gone from grumpily looking out at the day to directly and fully experiencing it. It is beautiful and exhilarating, and I know the cure has worked yet again. I end my run in a state of mild euphoria, ready to return to the day with a newfound optimism. I can see the sparkle in my eyes reflected in the faces of the people I encounter. I started out wanting to change everything. I changed nothing. But everything is different.